Friday, September 17, 2010

I JUST NEED...

This place that I'm in, this house that I'm in, this life I'm living, it feels quiet and lonely. Sometimes I think to myself when I'm alone (anywhere), why was I born as a single kid? As the only son? I have no problem with being gay and being the only child but I have a problem with not having any siblings. I find myself to be so lonely when I need someone to talk to. Someone to care about me. I can't take on the world on my own, all by myself. I can talk to my dogs but will they answer me back? They just give me the ''I know, I understand'' look. I thought getting dogs would replace the void and emptiness I seek in having brothers or sisters but, no. My dogs went through alot with me, I went through alot with them. I seek comfort in them but now, all I really need is someone I can just talk to and cry out loud. I miss my dad too. Coming home everyday after class to find the house is empty, there's no car outside. Mom's only back at 10.30pm. When I go for training in KL this January, what about my mom? I'm worried bout her, she's worried bout me. All the things I have in my heart, who can I tell it to? When can I have someone that can be my rock, my support? I am very tired of doing things all by myself. I don't want to be by myself anymore. No more. People say there's a soulmate for everyone. Where's mine? I might be too young for that but I'm too young to grow too fast. I don't want to miss out on my teenage dreams worrying and carrying the weight of my world on my shoulders.

Who can I seek comfort in now? Who will listen to me? Friends? Friends won't understand. Its not easy to be in my shoes. The struggles I've face throughout the years. Why is it that there's nothing smooth in my life? I make a joke out of life everyday. That's just the facade, just a veiner that I put on. Deep inside, I feel that my life is slowly being suck out. I live in a life where I have to worry what's going to happen the next day.

Even going to KL for training is VERY hard for me because financially, I can't afford it. When I look at people who cant afford it but they want to stay in Penang instead of going to KL for a brighter and more secured future, I get so frustrated. When I see some who prefer to stay in Penang because they rather use the money for vacation, I get extremely frustrated. If I don't have to worry about money like some of my classmate, I'll be so much happier. I'll be so much less bitter. I'll be feeling freedom from within. As tears rolls down, I feel what else can I do other than cry? I can't take to anyone about it, might as well cry it out. I've never been the type to cry. I rarely cry. Sometimes when I look myself in the mirror, I wonder...where have the teenager 5years ago disappear to? The answer, I don't know. Maybe stress and woes got the best of him. How long can I take this? Before it consumes me. Before I lose my mind, lose myself. I don't see any future ahead of me...

Is it really that hard to find someone? Someone you can trust, believe in, hold on to, someone you know will be there for you by the end of the day, someone you know even if he's not there physically but just a phone call away? Someone to love?

Good Night World...
maybe one day I'll say Goodbye World...

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