Saturday, August 14, 2010


Those walls I build around me, around my heart. Well, they're tumbling down. They didn't even put up a fight, they didn't even make a sound. I lost all faith in relationship but then someone like you came around. I thought with walls build around my heart, I'll be immune to all of this but it turns out that I am back to square one where I'm vulnerable and open to wounds. Maybe its you, maybe its me. Maybe its cuz I'm 21 so I'm ''not allowed'' to have a relationship as much bullshit as that sounds. Its not easy to like someone but when you like, you like. Then you are told to put those likes aside and just be friends. Its not easy but these are things that I've heard over and over again. When I do it to people, I feel that its so mean and it hurts to them but when people say it to me, guess its okay for them. I guess I'll never be able to understand this fucked up shit called LOVE. I don't THiNK I want it anymore. People kept saying maybe its not the right time. Well, let me ask you. When is the right time? Do you know? Do I know? You never know what is going to happen later this afternoon, later this evening and tomorrow. So, you can't tell me its not the right time or that the right one has yet to come along.

Yeah, I sound really bitter and sarcastic but this is the new me now. I am not a toy to be pass around and yet I've been feeling that recently. Very very recent. I don't know what is playing in people's mind. I wish I can just crack open 'em and understand some people's thinking. Yeah, I'm 21. So what?! I am mature in my own way and yet childish in my own way. Hey, I'm allowed to. I don't want to be one of those people who grew up too fast for their age. What's the point? I'll just regret it when I'm in my late 20s. Yes, I'm a kid but at the same time I'm a young adult. 21 has always those BiG BiRTHDAY which means one is entering ADULTHOOD so why is it people keep saying 21 is too young? How many times will I have to hear this? Bullshit, ok?! I'm 21, a college student, I work part-time. I AM NOT A KiD. I might be young but I'm not 13 or 14. Those are kids! I'm not those teenagers who runs to McD everytime school finishes and create a havoc and noise pollution over at McD. Those are KiDS!

Friends are never the same as someone special. Yes, friends can support you and you can turn to them but they are not with you all the time. They need their space too and you can't always go to them without rubbing off the wrong shoulder or giving a wrong picture of what's going on. Someone special, a lover, a boyfriend, a girlfriend. That's someone who can be 'there' for you when you need them. Someone you can just tell all and you know he/she will keep it safe. You know that person is your rock, your pillar of strength. Your insecurity and all, he/she will tell you that you are not all that, you are way better. Someone to convince you that everything will be alright when the days are dark and cold.

I don't have much material possession. I don't have much prized possession. All I want is some emotional possession. Someone. I seem confident, over-confident at times. I seems arrogant, I seem to look lansi. I am tired of explaining myself and my situation and persuading when it comes to relationship. I like my confidence because I used to have 0 and now I have some but not too much. I am rich but not in a material way. I am RiCH in PERSONALiTY. Some might say my personality could be too much to handle, can't be contain. Well, my personality is one of a kind. I don't need handling. My personality is what makes me, ME. My personality is what brightens up others' day when things seems to be dark and dull. I can say with confidence that I AM DiFFERENT. I am a different 21 years old, I am a different teenager, I am a different young adult, I am a different friend, I am a different lover, I am a different gay. But my differences that separates me from others are my PERSONALiTY and my PERSiSTENCE. I dare to say I am different. Even my past is different. The stories of my life. I don't regret to be the person that I am today because I know I am a better person from the past. I may be a high school dropout, a rebellious teen but I never joined gangster-ism, I never gave up on education, I just took a break. I am proud to say my command of language is GOOD for a high school drop-out and yet I'm doing college right now. I am DiFFERENT. I don't speak English at home and my English is GOOD. I don't speak Mandarin or read chinese character and yet I learnt it when I enter college last year June because of all the Chinese educated folks in college. I mastered it, sort of. I speak fluent Mandarin for an English-ed. So, yeah...I AM PROUD OF MYSELF, no one can take that away.

But it all goes down to one thing, everyone that came to my life seems to be temporarily only. Maybe the actual fact is I'm meant to be alone. Maybe...


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